Last night Doug and I had a fight about Sid Vicious. Sid was in the Sex Pistols. He also stayed at the Chelsea Hotel (Ethan Hawke made a bad movie about the famous hotel/apartment building). Sid also killed his girlfriend in the hotel by stabbing her to death. There is a controversy about whether he was just "pure punk, badass mothafucka" or if it was more a depression thing, or if Nancy (his girlfriend) egged him on.

Since I didn't go out last night I stayed home and watched "Sid and Nancy" (as opposed to cleaning my room or doing law school homework like a good child). After the film, I wanted to talk about what Sid and the rest of the Sex Pistols stood for and Doug told me that he "was sorry but a conversation about that couldn't maintain his interest for 45 minutes".

Of course I was sad.

Not only was I wondering how it could not (maybe the joy I find in conversations is random) but I was upset that he wouldn't at least try and be interested or try to maintain his interest if he knew I really wanted to talk about it.

But then came Saturday Cheesy Movie Wisdom.

As a sidenote: I live by myself so I tend to turn on the TV more frequently than I have in the past. Doing so I get sucked into both decent films like Sid and Nancy AND the cheesiest movies, which tend to make me cry (legally blonde two makes me cry so my standards aren't too high). Then I get a headache (crying gives me headaches). On the TV, I've also watched the Ed Burns documentary-style film on love, the Britney Spears movie, the documentary on marijuana narrated by Woody Harrelson, the Laramie Project (which is a good movie), the movie with Meg Ryan where she falls in love with a Duke and goes back in time, and today I watched "Crush" with Andie MacDowell.

In Crush, Andie MacDowell is the headmistress who falls illegitimately in love with a young dude. I won't ruin anymore of the movie for you. However, unless you have a good excuse such as living by yourself you are not my friend if you want to watch it :-P

What I realized though is Doug is halfway right. When him and I are together we don't need to talk about Sid and Nancy because we have Doug and Melissa and we can just smile and play in the mirror (Doug just filled me in on the fact that as a girl I like to play mirror games a lot -- i think its because i was a lonely child and I would talk to myself in the mirror as opposed to invisible friends). So, maybe its kinda like a -- leave your work at work-type deal. He doesn't have to want to talk Sid Vicious with me cause that is a job for my friends who want to talk Sid Vicious with me. With Doug him and I can just stare in each others eyes.

I'm still not sure what I think is right, but "Crush" helped me consider the other side.

Tonight I talked to my sister (who is in high school) for forty minutes on the phone. We never talk on the phone so it was random -- we always talk on IM or in person. Plus, whenever I call home she is always like "here's mom" like she forgets how close we are when we are together. But she had high school problems and she had to get them off her chest (which is huge, btw). Hot and bothered.

She was having problems with her clique "JAKKAS". Girls will be girls. Two of the girls, K and S were talking shit on each other behind the others backs and blaming it on JAKA. K and S go to a separate school and they need to stick together but instead they turn on each other and are like "K is such a dork at our school" or vice versa. In front of each other they are friends though.

What I was thinking about is -- why are we always prone to go to people who are hurting us or who cause drama in our lives? Especially in our immature stages we gravitate towards people who treat us poorly or who seem "cool" to us as opposed to those people who are genuinely nice to us. I say we all just take a stand and treat people well who treat us well! Thats it, I've said my piece. And I will try to practice what I preach by not taking out all my law school frustrations on poor Douglas' ear (long distance relationships suck).

Back on the law school front, I've turned in my rough draft of my appellate brief. It sucked.

Today I got called out by Jen and Kate for not going out. EVER. Kate told me that I just like to get phone calls to be popular. Then when Jen called to tell me that the plans to go to Touch (noun, not verb) fell through she teased that finally they were staying home and ditching me.

For my defense -- and all people like me --

I like Jen and Kate and Eva. I like going out with Jen and Kate and Eva. And I don't just want phone calls to be popular. People who do want phone calls just to be popular make me mad. I genuinely want to go out when they (or whoever else I genuinely like that I've done this to -- a lot of people come to mind: Danielle, Joe, Jess, Larry...) invite me but I need pro-active friends. This is my downfall. I get so excited over the phone but then I start reading a book or browsing online and due to my "go-with-the-flow" personality I end up just doing whatever is easiest. So, if the plans are to meet somewhere -- unless someone takes me there or yells (nicely) at me that I better go -- most likely I will not show up. Not because I don't like people but because I don't like to/tend to have a bad habit not to get mobilized on my own. Plus, the whole walking places alone thing in Pittsburgh (after some guy flashed me and started masturbating) just doesn't fly with me. And, if I drive myself I will never drink (cause i won't even have one sip and drive...very very anti over here...all those high school presentations got to me). And who is fun without alcohol?

I guess I am just demanding (or babyish, selfish, take your pick). But if you will meet my demands (a few people come to mind: Jen M, Rachael P, Joe & his scary tactics, Molly, Jess & her frequent phone calls, Danielle, Larry...and thus far, Jen P, Kate, and Eva) I will surely be your friend. And, if you treat me well, I promise to treat you well.

Lastly, I do want to get better and I am going to make more of an effort to go out and be a social and less-demanding friend.

random side note: If I ever write a book my main character is going to be named Ida Petersburg b/c that is the exit on 23 that tells me I am super super close to Ann Arbor. Plus, no one is named Ida anymore.

other random side note: all day long I've wanted to talk to my mom so bad. where is she?

[speaking about our draft due tomorrow]
PiersonJenn: you cite to what page of the appendix its on. (App. 9) I'm not even doing that on this though. I just want 10 pages and done.
alwayssneakers: i like jen p's attitude. can i frame it and put it on my wall?
alwayssneakers: her attitude has a body that also looks sexy in a dress
alwayssneakers: a blue dress
alwayssneakers: and yes, i was 63% gay by Kate's online quiz
alwayssneakers: but that means i am 37% straight
alwayssneakers: (in case i am scaring you)
PiersonJenn: Kim West said I have good hips for babies.

As my blogs name is procrastination i felt that I shouldn't not post a blog today just because i have an appellate brief due tomorrow that I have hardly worked on. Rather appropriate.

My screaming inner voice

My thoughts today surrounded the humdrum philosophical thought that I never really can communicate fully with anyone. Secondly, that most of our communication is impossible since it is both awkward and sometimes unable to be put into words. That is, sometimes what I want to communicate boils down to more of a feeling that I just like to be around this or that person.

What I mean is -- say I throw out a topic, um..., abortion (since we read R v. W in Con law) -- you and I will never be able to touch upon all that we are thinking. Inevitably our conversation will lead down a limited number of paths.

Plus, even if it we hit upon everything that we think about abortion I may not be able to tell you how smart I think your ideas are, that you have broccoli in your teeth, or that you make me feel warm inside. This bothers me.

I guess it comes back to the fear that we all have that we don't want or can't open up quickly or be frank with others. If I randomly walked up to you (well, some of you others would halfway expect it) and said -- "I just really think you are a cool person and I like talking to you" but had no comment to back that up it would be weird. Other times, its not the weirdness that gets in the way but the lack of expression that there is for the overwhelming feeling that I get from, i don't know, talking with you, looking at you, watching you drink coffee, or chew on your pencil. Other times is the level of how comfortable or uncomfortable it is to bring what up what I am thinking at that specific moment.

this is going in circles and again I am not communicating my thoughts completely or directly...which is exactly my frustration.

Yesterday I decided to take the leap. I changed my voting party.

For as long as I can remember I have always been someone to do whatever is "least expected" (making people like Doug expect what I am going to do because there is a definite trend). So, although I might be far to the left, a little too far for all you realistic folk, my sophomore year of college I decided to register Republican.

Why? No, it was not to sabotage the primaries and place a vote against the favored Republican in order to help democrats in the long run. Two different trains of thought converged into my one decision.

First was my dad. He is a super Republican but when he talks to me about Republican ideals its like he is telling me a fairy tale. With the perfect ending and perfect means. Whats fair and what is not fair. Growing up I was always a daddy's girl and whatever he said rang true. That and also him and my mom were the coolest people in the Main Line and I really respected how they made their money from the bottom up as opposed to through dirty means and grandparents dying.

I guess that's where point #2 came in. With my disdain for most people in my community who took things for granted growing up and then flaunted them PRETENDING they cared about smaller causes -- I couldn't stand. Thats why I also have a secret hate for moderate democrats or people who claim to be fiscally republican yet a social democrat. It just doesn't work that way in my head. So...with my sorority sisters telling me that I was a democrat and looking at them -- although good people -- and what they stereotypically stood for (not personally, Natalie, Melanie, and Danielle were the best of the bunch, is this enough of a disclaimer yet?) I couldn't bring myself to admit to them that I am a democrat. Why? Because I wasn't their type of democrat (in case you didn't catch it before, not *their* type of democrat but stereotypically the sorority girl, rich kid growing up, I am a jew so I am underrepresented type of democrat). So, they said Democrat and I wrote Republican.

So...my point to all this controversial jibba-jabba...I loved the fact that I was a card carrying Republican because I was also a card carrying ACLU member; I did workshops in prisons and juvenile facilities; I fought for economic and social justice; I sold books door to door; I was a Jew turned Christian turned Jew -- It all just didn't make sense and that is what made the most sense to me. But finally I threw in the towel.

Why am I sad? Because my towel throwing was all for Howard Dean. Although not agreeing with everything that he said -- he most closely represented my ideal candidate. And he represented what I think is even more important than his platform -- he represented a politician, a person, making his voice known standing up for dissent. He was someone to look up to because I knew that his faith in his beliefs drove him everyday. This fervor is what I saw in all the mockeries of his screaming on TV. Not anger or being upset at losing but at losing his sense of urgency that is extreme in him, and what I think is a very respectable quality.

I don't think I am going to change my party back to Republican. I think I am going to stay a democrat for a while -- at least so I can still vote Dean in the PA primaries.

I have to start an appellate court brief about the pledge to the flag and the words under god. but I will write more later.

This is my first one.