I love rejection. No really, I do. Its what makes me who I am and all that other crap. I keep all the rejection letters of all the programs/schools/jobs that once were really important to me. (See: Michigan Undergraduate Business School (2001), Michigan Creative Writing Certificate Program (2002), Federal Trade Commission - every regional office (2004)).
Because I love rejection so much, I've decided to try to send yet another Open Letter to McSweeney's. If you haven't already read it,
here is the first one that they rejected. [UPDATE: I noticed on that archive page the first post is entitled "Dear Granny" which may mislead you...you have to scroll down to see the real "Open Letter"]
Plus, this new one makes a lot of sense given that 1) I haven't really tried to apply to any jobs recently and 2) the career service office at our school told me that potential employers may look at (and judge me) by my blog. (See:
"Party with Your Pants Off: Blogging and Your Job Search")
I didn't edit it (...and probably should have...) but here goes. By now, I have low expectations.
An Open Letter to a Potential Employer,
I've run out of witty first sentences trying to catch your attention. To you, I'll always be a number in the crowd graduating from a state school somewhere in the middle of my class. So, who cares if my parents/my professor/my neighbor recommended that I contact you. You hardly know my parents/my professor/my neighbor and they hardly know me. Most likely, they told you that I'm nice and hardworking and you know what? They're right! In addition, that's precisely what separates me from whoever else answers this ad.
Like all the "How To Write a Winning Cover Letter" Books advise, I won't just regurgitate my resume in paragraph two. Still, I'll let you know that I think my numerous accomplishments show that I'm the ideal candidate for this position. Despite my slightly above average grades, I'm quite a master at picking perfect verbs to describe what I did at my previous jobs. Nothing is an embellishment. I've left out everything that makes me who I am. I've deleted any activity that makes me seem socially-conscious. I've edited the jobs that meant the most to me so that I could highlight the jobs that mean the most to you. Everything written within this letter and my attached resume, typed in some non-descript font on fancy paper, show that I'm the perfect fit.
In closing, I'd really appreciate the opportunity to work at your firm. Although I'm not really sure what I'll be doing there, trust me, I'll research plenty if I score an interview. You'll see, I'll modify my standardized answers to any interview question you could possibly ask me just to prove I'm the perfect candidate for this position. I look forward to hearing from you. (I emphasize that because I'd rather you send me a rejection letter than give me false hope that I may get an interview, all because you don't want to pay for a stamp).
Sincerely,
Potential Employee
Pittsburgh, PA
