"By the way, do you mind if I call you Fred?"

The full quote:
"and you looked so cozy. Like my brother Fred. We used to sleep four in a bed, and he was the only one that ever let me hug him on a cold night. By the way, do you mind if I call you Fred?" Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany's 18 (First Vintage Int'l ed. 1986).*

And so Freddi was born or chosen...the bunny that was not too fat (like "lump" as we lovingly named the fattie sister, who Freddi slept on top of in the "tank")...the one that was not too hyper (like "spaz")...Freddi was one that was just right.

I went to Freddi's "tank" at Pet Supplies Plus in Ann Arbor (the one on Ann Arbor-Saline Rd.) every day until I could purchase her. We weren't allowed to take her home until she was six weeks old. I watched her play with her sisters (she would always make them tickle her...and two years later, she hasn't changed much...she loves to be tickled!!).

I bought Freddi to keep me company and to keep me in good spirits. My first summer out of law school I realized that, despite my best efforts, I had changed into an unhappy person. I was out of touch with the world and me and everything that i had ever wanted. i was restless and uncomfortable in the first city in which i had felt at home. my job was ok. my friends were ok. but something wasn't right. until i saw her face. and seeing her just made me happy.

so why did i give her to doug tonight? was it because i am moving out of pittsburgh and it will make it easier? superficially, it may look that way. upon a closer look you'll realize that, nope, that's not really it. it's just what i tell people to make it easier.

(she's been boarded in philadelphia before - the vet & staff love her!! b/c she "has the most personality of any bunny they've ever seen." (the vet even took his kids to see Freddi on the weekend and the Vet's kids loved her!) - i could've boarded her just while i moved out to make it easier) (and although there is lots of "Freddi mess"...let's get everything straight here. i'm not the neatest person in the room so who am i to judge a cute, little, poop machine?)

there are a few reasons i gave her away to doug. i have to sort them out here because otherwise i'll keep on crying. (although, i will say...i guess this experience is good practice if i ever do get married...and then divorced...with kids...).

1. doug is her dad. he loves her just as much as me and i got to spend a wonderful year with her in pittsburgh. it's doug's turn to have freddi. i hope that some day i'll be able to take her back.

2. i want closure with doug. i don't want a bunny looming over our heads. i don't want to be the bad person for taking Freddi away from doug. i also didn't like our conversations about Freddi. I felt like i was holding her over his head just by having her with me (although technically he left her in pittsburgh...as a nice gesture...and it's not like i stole her away from him). Whenever we would talk, he would ask me how she was doing or get mad at me for having custody of the bunster. I brought her down to Jefferson but that's the only time he saw her for an entire year. in order to not talk anymore (or not at least have anything to talk about), I thought i could be stronger and just give her to doug. i figured i could control myself and not want to ask how she's doing. but...if this night is any indication...i can't stop thinking about her!! i want to know how she is adapting. Is she sniffing a lot? Is she making friends with the cockaroaches in his dorm? don't all your friends *LOVE* her and her cuteness? has she bunny hopped? doesn't she still have a wonderful smell on the top of her head even if the rest of her body smells like poop (or hay)?

not only did i want to give freddi to doug, i gave him all of his stuff (or at least everything i could find within a 48-hour time period but my apartment is sneaky & stuff could be hidden anywhere...). i want a clean slate (apartment?). he has a fresh new life in philadelphia (eh hem, my hometown. which, when we were planning to spend our life together, is the city that he said he rather not go to med school in...even when my mom had a cancer scare...but funnily enough it's also the only city whose med schools (yes, that's a plural!) accepted him...). It worked out well for him because he is excelling in the city of brotherly love...he's super popular, super dedicated to his school work, getting the best grades possible, and he has a fantastic girlfriend who adores him.

i live in pittsburgh surrounded by his stuff and our stuff (um, memories, rabbit)...and i need it to be gone for right now. law school has ended. after the bar exam, i can go back to finding me. (which thanks to many different wonderful people, i've already started to find...).

3. The hardest one for me to come to terms with. If closure with doug is impossible, i don't want Freddi to be the reason it's impossible. I want to try closure but i realize that i spent three and a half years with this person. he was my best friend (i gave him the nickname "my better half" because he's much nicer & more likeable than me). i was so sad when out of all people, he didn't call me to tell me "guess what? congratulations, you're finished!"...especially when he knew how hard law school (and its environment) was for me. i am friends with all of my exes, why not the one who meant the most to me?

i know i hurt him. i know he hurt me. thinking back on my relationship with doug it's sad or painful and, most importantly, beautiful.

and i guess this one is hardest for me to come to terms with because of all of this hurt and pain we caused one another. And, (more importantly), all of this goodness that has come from the wonderful, new people in my life.

despite those two (huge) factors, it didn't stop me from sacrificing my pride & joy...my baby bundle, Freddi, to see if maybe doug & i could have a platonic relationship that didn't depend on our child. even if not now, even if it happens in the future.

until then, I know she is in good hands.


(* er, withouth my bluebook that citation is probably totally off...i'm not sure how to quote to the First Vintage Int'l ed....plus, the original copyright was 1950...then it was renewed last in 1984 by Capote & in 1986 by some other dude).