Change of Pace

So, my schedule is totally reversed. Thanks a lot, Finals! I'm going to bed at 4 or 4:30 and waking up no earlier than 1 or 2 pm (in other words, 3 pm) (except for the day of my education law final). I'm also having these lucid dreams that make me want to stay in dreamworld longer (in one of my last dreams I was hiking with my old crew coach up this completely vertical mountain - it was okay that it was completely vertical though because we had picks (?) and the mountain was the type of rock that is more like foam. Anyway, in my dream, i *needed* to hike with him because he is now a lawyer who could *maybe* get me a job). I guess it's either hiking or getting up & looking at my messy apartment and working on my copyright paper that's confusing the hell out of me!...you decide.

In other news, the other day (specifically 5.1.06) i talked with one of my ex-boyfriends. It was his birthday. (for sake of anonymity, i won't post his name. but, for the sake of humor (or irony), i will post his mom's website that i found a few years back...isn't his mom pretty...not to mention brilliant?)

anyway, the talk was pretty enlightening. I'll point out the highlights here so i can remember them. i've edited out our witty sidenote banter (arguably "the good stuff") & added some things to further explain (mostly in parentheses).

me: i wanna move to philly to be close to my sister during her last year of high school. (it will be the last time, for awhile at least, that we'll both live in the same city...she may be off to ann arbor after high school....)

him: i would recommend against that. it would be nice as a bonus but i wouldn't allow being near your sister to be a sole motivator and driving force of your decision of where to go after law school you should follow the opportunities.

me: i thought about that...& i don't want to be all law student (argumentative) but i disagree. for example, pitt was the best law school i got into which is why i came here but say i hate the opportunites (i.e. Pitt or law school in general) i have nothing else here that makes me happy

him: oh... well i'd just say that attempting to fulfill your destiny can be a risky proposition. also, the absence of evidence isn't the evidence of absence...anyway, i'm not one to argue with the maxim 'do what makes you happy' i would just add 'make sure that you're not just doing what allows you to avoid being uncomfortable' because sometimes people confound being happy with being comfortable, and i've found that some of the least happy times in my life have been when i was the most comfortable. but i'll leave you with this dr. seuss quote "be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind"

me: i think that's true (re: both the uncomfort level & the Dr. Seuss quote). but [my desire to be uncomfortable] is exactly why i went out to sell books**. but i'm sick of following "the hard path" b/c it just leaves me lonely.

him: yeah, you're right.

me: sometimes comfort is good.

him: you're right. you have to find a middle path...

me: we're both right.

** briefly, b/c i've probably blogged/talked to *you* about this before, but for those who don't know - i sold books door-to-door after my freshman year of college. moved out to california, knocked on doors to find a place to live. first lived with an alcoholic mother & her 15 year old son with cat pee everywhere. second, lived with a nice man - who was a yearbook photographer - & ended up not wanting to have 2 young girls live with him so as not to create any suspicions. third, lived in a trailor in an older couple's driveway. all the while, knocking on doors to make a living & getting spit on, yelled at constantly. talk about taking a Jewish East Coast brat out of her comfort zone. Did i mention that i'm a late bloomer so this was also my "awkward" phase (yes, at at 18...although arguably i had a few awkward phases...)? i was on the heavier side, with an awful haircut, glasses, & braces. NERD ALERT!! **

anyway, i've reflected a lot on this...because Doug (other exboyfriend) would always yell at me for *wanting* to always feel uncomfortable & *needing* to feel uncomfortable...(his argument was that i liked to bring drama to my life on purpose...). So, why the change? Why all of the sudden (since my second year of law school, actually) do I want to go home? Did this mean that I agree with Doug & that I should try to be more comfortable? (not that it's a bad thing to agree with Doug, although we were kinda (!) competitive/stubborn/etc.).

I thought about it enough that i felt the need to really think through my decision...or figure out my reasons for wanting to move to Philadelphia...and not follow "opportunities" (all this is assuming there are *no* opportunities in Philadelphia...)

I think that no doubt my sister is a big part of it. I was never close with her before I went to college (by not close i mean, i never talked to her...what does a teen want to do with a little sister who is seven years younger?) & I probably became close with her around my junior year of college. now, she + me are like this (fingers twisted).

But, I don't think that my sister (or anyone else in my family) would have changed my life-long goal of being uncomfortable in a situation. As much as I hate it, I think Doug's right (grrr...i hate when doug is right) in the fact that I love it (where it = "being uncomfortable"). So, although it looks like I'm headed back to a comfortable situation (think: home is where the heart is...), it's actually completely the opposite.

I've run away from Philadelphia since I've been 17 years old - or all of my adult life. I went back for two summers for more than four weeks...the first summer, i hardly left my house (except for to rent all of the indie movies i missed out on while growing up and to drive my brother to & from art school)...the second summer, i worked at Borders & refused to talk to anyone from my high school. i figured i changed too much & i didn't want to give anyone the time of day. (My hometown is for the rich, the successful. after i went off to college (see: ann arbor hipsters/hippies), I just wanted to be an advocate for the underprivileged, the underrepresented. my hometown & i just didn't mix.)

Now, it's even worse because Doug lives in Philadelphia. I'm terrified to even be around him. (See: bringing my sister with me so doug could see Freddi, the rabbit we bought together & who lives with me, but also so i wouldn't have to be alone with him). And, not only does he live there, he has a life that he loves. He has all honors in his classes; a clique of friends; a girlfriend that he loves. He is *way* more comfortable in a city that is supposed to be my hometown! (even though all last year, I had to *plead* with him to apply to schools there once i decided i wanted to go to philadelphia after graduation...). all of this just makes me feel even more inadequate (& trust me, i already have enough self-esteem issues!!).

...so it's worse b/c...well, pretty much...it's much easier to not see someone when you don't live in the same city as him...(thankfully doctors & lawyers hate one another...so that pretty much assures we won't run in the same crowd...).

...plus, it's worse b/c i don't want to leave my current relationship...(nor do i want to make him not follow "the opportunities")...and...pittsburgh is (sorta) comfortable...

anyway...this is a lot of blogging & i've hardly hit the tip of the iceberg (of my emotions) & probably bored the hell out of anyone who read this far down. I just mean to say that I think moving to Philadelphia will be anything but comfortable and I'll probably learn a hell of a lot about myself...but that's what i always want...to grow...and not *just* be comfortable...

but finally i want that middle ground. finally i (am mature enough to) want (need?) to grow along side of my family...with them there as my support...